We’ve all been fretting and fuming about the IPL. I’ve been wanting to write some nasty posts about Lalit Modi, the strategy break and so on… but haven’t found the time. Thankfully, cricinfo’s new Page 2 has some irate cricket fans, who also have time to write such stuff:
Let’s take a moment (or 75) – A nice spoof of the strategy break (as though all the other money was never enough)
1. The Dog-Running-Onto-The-Ground Break
After some six overs of the first game, the first dog – second only to rain as cricket’s constant companion – arrived. The advertisements during the ensuing break apparently took care of the salaries of half the Chennai team.
2. The Injury-Break Break
One player is nominated during each match to fake an injury. The cameras then move away from the action, and television viewers are treated to a whole cycle of advertisements. The time is not important, timing is.
1. “For the Love of Money”, The O-Jays
Donald Trump took the 1974 No. 9 hit from soul/R&B group the O-Jays and made it into an anthem of sorts on his smash reality show The Apprentice. You can almost picture Modi hitting “repeat” for this catchy tune. Especially when he gets out of one of those fancy imported cars, entourage in tow.
2. “Money”, Pink Floyd
The definitive money song, complete with cash register and coin sound effects. A must on Modi’s list of beats to play in the office, while travelling, on the treadmill, before business meetings, and during power naps. Cha-ching.
“You talk of Citi Moments of Success, but when you get five wickets in four overs like that, that’s very special indeed.”
Robin Jackman describes how unique Anil Kumble’s feat on day one is, failing to account for the inconvenient fact that normal human beings do not, in fact, actually talk of Citi Moments of Success
Any team owner or official who even casually mentions any sum of money less than US$100,000 will have to pay a fine of one million dollars. As further punishment, the sum mentioned will be enforced as a salary cap for that team for the next IPL season.
Any words that contain the three letters IPL in sequence, such as “triplet”, “gripless” and “whiplash”, cannot be used in any form, printed or in verbal communication, without paying royalties to the IPL.
Lalit Modi, at the opening ceremony: “As I stand here before this excited, committed and [following phrase delivered in a shriek] sold out crowd in one of cricket’s most spectacular arenas for our opening day of Season 2009 of the DLF Indian Premier League , I feel joy, humility, pride and gratitude.” Joy, no doubt yes, but humility? Surely you jest, Mr Commissioner?
GQ magazine, India: Columnist Prashant Agarwal has seen the future and is suitably impressed. “Mark my words: in 2020, the most expensive commercial spot in the world will be a 30-second ad screened during IPL footage.”
[For heaven’s sake, I hope this doesn’t come true]
WHY I HATE THE IPL:
1. IPL = ICL + Money (+ Money + Money ..) + BCCI roping in Indian cricketers
2. Lalit Modi
3. Who the hell is BCCI to declare ICL illegal?
Of course, that doesn’t stop me from watching IPL 😦 (only on cricinfo, of course!)